Confession Time (part 1) - Let's Keep It Real
Let’s keep it real - self-sabotage sucks. It’s really only you getting in your own way and most times you won’t want to face it. Self-sabotage is defined as behavior that creates problems and interferes with current and long-term goals. “The most common self-sabotaging behaviors are procrastination, self-medication with drugs or alcohol, comfort eating, and forms of self-injury such as cutting.” *
My self-sabotage of choice - comfort eating. I become a scheming hoover vacuum for any type of chocolate, junk food, fried anything and my love for ranch dressing. I have found that I self-sabotage when I have extra stress in my life or when I’m not fully loving myself. I also know that there is always an under-lying reason for self-sabotage and it is usually linked to self-love or self-worth. OK - Here goes... Confession time - my eating has gotten out of control. (Check out my previous blog Hello, My Name is Renea and I am a Recovering Sugar Addict).
Since right before the move my eating has been slowly getting out of control. Of course, I made sure I visited all our fave food spots before we left Oregon and then visiting all our favorite spots in Arizona after coming back. At first it was just one meal, then it turned into how I could escape the house to shove a donut in my face. Which maybe wouldn’t be such a big deal, except then I stopped working out, opting for chill time and meeting up with friends instead. I know that someone will look at this and say “Relax Renea - it’s just a few extra treat meals. You always tell us not to strive for perfection - shouldn’t you have the same rule for yourself.”
I absolutely do and I don’t expect myself to be perfect, however, eating is my major trigger. It only takes a few weeks of me being extra stressed, getting off track with my eating and choosing to take a nap instead of go to the gym - that my addicted brain goes right back into scheming mode.
I would go to major depths in the past to scheme for food, fueling my addiction even further. Including but not limited to eating chicken fingers & ranch in the grocery store parking lot, stuffing a candy bar in my face while driving home from the gas station - that I just so happened to scheme my way into going to and drinking heavy whipping cream from the bottle oh and, of course, hiding the evidence. Not b/c I'm going to be in trouble (I wish you could see my massive eye roll about the possibility of being in trouble) but because I don't want to face it myself. I don't want to face the fact that the trigger has taken control.
Instead, I choose to face it and call myself out. There are times that I find that people have the misconception that I have it together all the time. That is completely unrealistic and I try my hardest not to put those expectations on myself. I have pretty high standards for myself and am always my hardest critic - much like everyone out there. We have these standards for ourselves that feel so impossible to reach so instead we just end up feeling like big fat failures.
Let me just keep it real with you - I am not perfect and I definitely don’t have my shit all together at one time. I mean, c’mon, I have 2 kids so most of the time during the day I’m just winging this whole motherhood thing. As a Life Coach, I can teach and guide anyone that wants help, but I also don’t feel that I can relate to those that want my help if I’m not willing to be my real and authentic self as well. I have my own struggles that I go through and without showing that, then how would anyone know that I know what it feels like to struggle and to feel like you have no control.
To know what it feels like to be hungry even if you just ate a “healthy” meal an hour ago. To know what it’s like to always want to eat the food that sabotages your health and your goals. To not want to live on a “diet” (I refuse to do that ever again - this is a lifestyle - choosing life over illness and death). To not be excited to go to the gym to get a workout in. To be frustrated and think "what is wrong with me, why can't I get my eating under control?"
I struggle with food everyday, even on the days that I’m 100% - in the back of my mind it’s still not what I want to eat. I want to eat everything in sight in the gas station market - everything that will make me feel like crap after I eat it and then the familiar regret sets in. Instead, today, I choose to control my food addiction by facing the trigger and know what is going on underneath all of that. The self-sabotage is so closely tied to the lack of self-love that I have battled during my lifetime as well.
The point of all of this you ask? The point is that it is ok and normal to struggle with battles that are going in your life. To share my struggles with you so that it might make you feel better about your own self-sabotages. To show you that it is ok to admit that you are struggling instead of feeling weak about it. To lead by example and call out my own struggles to keep me accountable. That instead of feeling like you have to struggle alone, ask for help in making the little choices that are going to help get you back on track.
That is all.
If you are struggling right now - reach out for help.
You are not alone. I am here.
P.S. More keeping it real confessions to be continued - part 2 coming soon!